Post 7 "I'll make up for all the years I was supposed to be kissing you" Leo Christopher

 FAST FORWARD TO AFTER THE PARK.

INSERT COMING HOME HERE................................................

I hadn't slept well at all. Along with the anticipation of seeing the man I now knew mattered, the man I still loved and wanted a future with, was the dread of not knowing how he would feel about me once he saw me. Threaded through these emotions were, desire: could I hold myself back, guilt:, I had no plan of doing anything to hurt my or Deanʼʼs family, but we were sneaking off to see one another, wasn't this hurtful enough, worry: that we would get caught and launched into something neither of us was desiring; the end of our relationships, nor prepared to manage should it happen, justice; oh I wanted him to regret not having kept me in his life, residual anger: for the pain I suffered not knowing if I had ever mattered to him, I needed to see it in his face, fear: for what I might disclose about my past, the secret I held for so many years, did I need to tell him, what good would come of it and hope: that the promise I would make to him would be reciprocated.

When Aiden woke, as he is always the first, I was still awake, eager to get this day started and moving. Kash knew I had planned a sleepover with Mom and Lindsey, movies, let the kids spend a lot of time together before we left for Australia and I wanted to spend time with mom too. I felt badly about this last part, I knew I was trading time with mom for time with Dean but mom also knew what Dean meant to me, somehow she knew clearer then I did and knew years before I did too. She knew I was planning this to be the last time I ever saw Dean, and that I selfishly needed him to see me as I look and act now, as a grown woman. Mom forewarned me, she discussed my plan at length. She questioned why I wanted to see him and told me nothing good could come of it. I was so certain there was nothing to worry about, I was committed to Kash, even though I now knew I loved Dean, and Dean was committed to being with his family, nothing would happen, so nothing bad would come of it either. I was just hoping for the long awaited closure.
The day dragged on, I was watching the clock, it was time for mom to drive me to our meeting point. We were meeting at the mall and Dean would text me when he was at the Mall. In the mirror I made some last minute touchups to my make up and hair. One last look, did I look fantastic?

As fantastic as I could I thought. I walked down the stairs and asked mom ʻdo I look regretible?ʼ You certainly do she replied.
I twisted and turned my fingers as mom drove the 20 minute drive to the mall. The kids were in the back seat. I explained to them that Rachel wanted to go for coffee before I left for Australia. The kids love being at Nanaʼs they really didn't care where I was going. They had their own plans.

Mom expressed concern about leaving me at the mall alone waiting for Dean. He would come, I knew no matter what he would come. No sooner had mom left then I got the text message. I was barely breathing. What were we going to say to one another. What would we talk about. Would there be enough to talk about. I couldn't think of anything. What would his reaction to me be, would he be disappointed after all of our messaging. How would I react to him, it had been a long time, I had so many things that were never said between us to ask him about how would I bring it up.
He sent me a message letting me know what side of the parking lot he was on. I felt my face light up with a huge smile. He was here. Emotion began to flood my thoughts. How was I going to even see his car, I became light headed and held back nervous giggling as I bolted out of the mall door. Quickly it occurred to me that all of the cars looked black or dark blue this time of night. I looked back and forth among the cars thinking I would never figure out which was his. Then I saw the tail lights on a car to my left. It was blue, it had to be it. I walked to the passenger side. Placed my hand on the door handle, dear god let it be the right car I thought and at the same time I was thinking this was it, there was no turning back if I opened this door. I deeply inhaled and I poked my head in. And he smiled, the minute Dean smiled everything was ok, as it always had been when I was with him, I was safe. All of my fears and concerns about this night vanished. This was Dean, and he was smiling at me and I felt good. Whatever needed to be said would be said and everything I felt was real and here now. “Hi” i said like I had said it to him everyday for the last 18 years, I climbed into his car. He stared at me, smiling his beautiful glowing heart melting smile, the one that stole my heart so long ago. “So, where are we going” He asked...............................................mom called to check on us...stroking my hand, pregnant, soeday

he brought water
............................................................went to mcd to use bathroom

We came back to the park, it was as good a place as any and parked back in the same spot. We talked for the next few hours about whatever crossed our minds. Our past together, the summer and a few roofs. How Kash and I met, the last time Dean and I had seen one another, simple free flowing conversation, of the sort close friends have when they have an uninterrupted chance to really really talk. We held each others hand through every thought shared. We leaned in close and kissed again. Our attraction was undeniable. Our bodies wanted to connect. I had to touch him. As we kissed deeper he pushed the hat he was wearing back on his head so we could be closer, close enough to feel the heat of our faces on one another's. I ran my hand across his chest. Even through his thick hoodie and tshirt I could feel his body was as tone as it had been in our youths. I ran my hand around him to his side and felt the muscles of his side and further around to his back, we kissed each other warmly and lovingly, not the kisses of passion and desperation. The kisses of absorption and tenderness. Deep but melting into one another. My other hand was caressing the nape of Deanʼs neck and his hands were pulling my body closer to his, we wanted to feel our bodies closer together. Then he whispered we have to stop. I stopped and nodded, my eyes already filled with tears, filled with emotion that had been bottled up for so long. I sat back away from him and said I know. He held my hand and I tenderly ran my fingers around the back of his neck as we discussed again all of our reasons for stopping ourselves from doing what was apparent we both wanted to do, be together. The night was passing quickly and he knew he had to be home soon so as not to arouse suspicion. It was suspicious enough the he was playing hockey in the city, now the game was certainly over and even with a few drinks after the game he should be home. With his lousy sense of direction he suspected he could convincingly argue that he had turned around in the city and had lost a great deal of time navigating his way home. I did not want him to go, I did not want to go. I wanted to spend the rest of my life here in this car, in this park, in the snow with this man. I no longer wanted to just be the one he regretted letting go of, I wanted to be his one and only, I wanted him as my own.

He held my hand as we drove out of the park. We were silent. I wanted to say donʼt go home. I donʼt want a promise of a distant future, I want you now. But I didnʼt say it. How could it happen. I had plans, he had commitments. We had our reasons to carry on with our lives as they were. It was then I saw the closed gate. The gate to the park was closed. Oh god no I thought. Oh fuck I moaned. What Dean asked. Oh fuck I repeated, fuck fuck no. This was it, we were caught I thought. There was no way out of the park, I would have to call mom to come and get me, the kids would see I wasn't with Rachel, I would have to tell Kash who I was with. Dean would have to leave his car in the park. FUCK!!!!! The gate is locked. Dean stopped his car at the gate. I had to solve this, I was to blame, I had asked him to come and see me. I had to get the gate open. He couldnʼt get caught, Rebecca would kill him, he would lose his kids. I started to open the car door. Dean placed his hand on my knee “Stay here Iʼll take care of it” I stopped moving. As Dean opened his car door the tears started. He would take care of it, but I always take care of everything, I have to react before Kash reacts, solve the problem before it somehow feels like it is my fault. I started to cry harder realizing that I always jump to solve everything and now Dean is telling me he will take care of it. I watch him fiddle with the gate and pull and tug on various parts of the bars and the lock. When he turns back to the car I wipe my tears and pull it all back in. “Well itʼs lockedʼ he says. Here is what we are going to do. We are going to use my phone, Iʼll call the police but you talk. From experience the police will listen to a woman. Tell them the situation and see if there is anything that can be done. I nod, he dials. I explain to the police that we were in the park and didn't realize they they lock the gates. I explain that no one came around to check if anyone was in the park and as we left we encountered the locked gate. The officer puts me on hold and tells me that he has called the warden and they will come and see what they can do. They don't know if they have the right key but they will try.

I hang up the phone and tell Dean I have good news and bad news. The good news is someone is coming, the bad news, I gulp down the lump in my throat, my experience with bad news with Kash usually resulted in a fight and the situation escalating to miserable and crushing, is they may not be able to open the gate. “Ok” Dean says taking the phone from my hand and placing it on the car console “We will just have to wait and see then. Now what were we talking aboutʼ and he takes my hand in his again. “But Dean I say, what if they can't get the gate openʼ

“Iʼll deal with that if i have to, but right now we have a little more time to to be together.” And we drifted precisely back to the last part of the conversation we had been having, sharing stories and thoughts and feelings and being close in mind and body.

After about 45 minutes a car approaches the gate and two figures step out. I was so disappointed to see them arrive, I had been gifted a little more of Dean's time with the locked gate, and his calm over the situation had given me a clear indication that I had not ever really considered before of the problems in my relationship. And now it was over, Dean would drive me home, and drive out of my life, maybe forever. The warden opened the gate and Dean returned to the car. We hadn't noticed the sign on the other side of the gate warning of itʼs closure after 11 pm, moments after we had reentered the park.
As I gave Dean directions to mom's house we also discussed how we would stay in touch, one email a week to let each other know all was well, to keep aware of each others lives and to share important events. But only once a week, with that promise I knew I would make to Dean, that promise of a distant future should our life circumstances change, that promise he so willingly agreed to, fully intact. Dean pulled his car over a few doors down, I showed him which house was moms. He leaned towards me and kissed me tenderly and we said good night. I got out of his car and walked on the snow covered sidewalk towards my mothers house. Part of me felt like the 17 year old girl getting home late from her date, elated at the experience she had just had but disappointed that the night had to come to an end, wanting to run back to the car for one more embrace. The other side of me gathered my strength, pulled back the tears that were threatening to fall and pushed the pain of knowing I would never see the man I loved again aside. I walked carefully, as daintily as I could, aware he was watching me go, I would not look back, if I looked back I would break down in tears, I didn't want him seeing me cry, we had agreed to be strong and to go on with the lives we had created for ourselves. As his car rolled past me I glanced to the side and I saw him looking at me. I forced a smile and a tiny wave.
I walked in the door of my mothers house and greeted my babies. I may have sounded normal but mom saw the whole story on my face. She came to me and I threw my arms around her and wept. Oh I sobbed and she whispered ʻoh Honey, law school doesn't seem quite as important now does it.ʼ I shook my head and choked back sobbing. Dean was gone, and I wanted nothing else but for him to come back and throw open her door and tell me he needed me, he couldn't be without me, because that is how I was feeling and I wanted nothing other then to feel the love I felt for him and to give it to him. As I caught my breath and calmed myself I began to tell mom about the locked gate. We discussed the irony and I dissected all of the irony that seemed to follow Dean and I for so long. There was something he had written that I wanted to read to her so I logged into my FB account. As soon as my account opened I saw the 1 in my inbox. He had already broken his promise to me. He had emailed me already. I read that to her instead.

insert emails here.