Post 8 You are the person I'll never stop looking for in a crowded place ~ unknown

 

Dean sent you a message.

Subject: hey

first!, joking!, i know what we agreed to but just wanted you to know i got home ok (didn't get lost :) ). No worries of discovery, hope the same for you (duh). It is winter, it is dark, and it is cold, and I feel warm, I might even be glowing. Drove home slow with the radio off and just.....ahhhhh.
I am not expecting a reply anytime soon, just sharing. Wow, wow, wow.
Please remember my reading list if doesn't overflow your already full plate. So much in my head (all good, thank you) but will wait until an appropriate time to dialog. Please don't let me distract you from some quality time with your mom.
ahhhhhh

MY REPLY???????????????????????????

8:09.25

D sent you a message.

Re: hey

"exactly! wow please be there for awhile :)"

8:33.37

And so I stretched out on my momʼs couch, with the laptop by my side and talked with Dean.

K 3:13am

HI

D 3:13am hi 

3:13am

K 3:13 am

lol

D 3:14am how are you

K 3:14am

ok

D 3:15am
ok? i'm more than ok because i am deliberatley ignoring how hard this could be to enjoy it. sorry if your not there right now

K 3:16am

nope, not there, had a good cry tho, I'll get there I'm sure

D 3:16am talk to me, ...

K 3:18am

it'll take time but I'm a good suppresser, years of practice. It'll just creep up on me from time to time. In a million years i would never have expected to be here right now
I had such clarity on this, now it's all a little muddled

K 3:19am

If I had ever stopped loving you none of this would matter

D 3:20am
there was a part of me that knew it would be easier to not realize the connection. i'm sorry for the heartache,

K 3:20am

please don't apologize for anything

D 3:20am
i know,
you are ahead of me again:)

K 3:21am

sorry
if I have to run for a second I will be right back (even if it goes offline)

D 3:21am
get used to it, i'm not going anywhere....ok on the offline bit

K 3:22am

I'm still here tho, i'll post if I need to go for a sec

3:22am

D 3:22am k

you talked to your mom? deep?

K 3:23

no not deep, just a little, just a hug and a cry, sorry, it starts again

D 3:24am
i think you are where i was last night, i was struggling more be patient...

D 3:26am
i was unsure of all this until tonight, and when you are gone... i am unsure of how i will cope...i am just enjoying being loved by someone who gets me, and that is all we can do this very second, i love you...if it makes it easier , i'll never say it again

K 3:27am

I'm glad you know you are loved.

3:27am

D 3:27am
and you know you are ?

K 3:27am

yes
but please someday say it to me again

D 3:29am
absolutely.... i really think there is a someday for us but will take thinking with our heads as much as our hearts

3:29am

K 3:29am <3

D 3:31am
i think you are amazing... it makes me think maybe there is a god... i mean how else....thanks for the best night of my life. lots but really i am floating right now and i don't want come down to earth just yet

3:32am

K 3:32am

I won't be sleeping

D 3:33am
some irony tonight... i usually can't sleep after hockey (sometimes not 1 minute) pretty wound up right now :)
that FUCKING GATE!!!

K 3:34am

lol, LOL

D 3:35am
talk to me, let it out

K 3:35am

be right back

D 3:35am
me too battery warning

K 3:38am

PLUG IN

D 3:39am
done, stepped on the dog in my haste...she's ok didn’t forget, what's on your mind?

3:45am

K 3:45am

I'm still here, I will be back, I am not tired

D 3:46am
patiently waiting, don't step on any dogs

K 3:48am

just getting the baby down, nearly there

D 3:48am
no prob
BRB might log off

3:50am

D is offline. 3:55am

D is online.

D 3:55am hey

K 3:59am

Hey, just had to look "busy" on the computer
So how can I know so much about you, and feel so much for you? My head is swimming with so much thought

D 4:01am
the last few nights i was unsure tonight is " i know " how did we get here ? don't answer that

K 3:01am

i couldn't

it was strange, it started out so hard to open up in person but by the time we had to go it was so easy

D 4:03am
yeah i clam up around beautiful women :)

K 4:03am

your funny

D 4:04am
and yet, it so isn't about that.
and i still can't believe you led to me think you had aged ungracefully, ( i was still there)

K 4:05am

guess what u see and what i see are not he same

D 4:08am
i see the truth and it doesn't matter, there is so much more to you. i hope that isn't a negative motivator to you ( to prove your worth, i hope you do what you do for you) fuck i am so slow still awake?

K 4:09am

I think I have finally learned to do what i do for me, and I can, in some ways

oh my god, all i can think about is your lips and the nape of your neck right now

4:11am

D 4:11am
don't beat yourself up over it. we all do "what were supposed to do"....lips, neck ....good

K 4:11am

oh i am not thinking about it in a bad way at all

D 4:12am
i workout. did you notice?

K 4:13am

what do you think, did my hands not wander? I had to restrain myself it was not enough

K 4:14am

i am just rereading some lyrics someone sent me

D 4:15am
not enough, when i said i was comfortable meant i did not think i would be comfortable enough to become aroused (yikes too much info ) had to stop. geeeez this will be difficult\

D 4:19am
brand new.... i am starting to think you have been so much of me i didn't know just how much.... you took the regret away tonight...this is crazy, i know so much (i think ) but i didn't think this ever
put u to sleep again :)

K 4:20am

no i am hear, rereading, thinking, i am going nowhere tonight but here, i can feel you here

hear? oops sorry, how'd that happen

K 4:26am

i'm glad i am at my moms tonight, i think SO would "feel" some of this and mistake it as meant for him and i couldn't not tonight

D 4:26am
don't know how many nights like this we will have, i am enjoying, you should too. BTW did you know that it is $100 fine for being in a park past 11:00, and that you have a "little dyslexia" kind of blows my mind

ugh i don't want to hear it and i know what you mean at the same time

K 4:27am

, now how would you know about park fines :)

D 4:27am
i read signs :)

K 4:28am

you make me smile

D 4:28am
i'm ear to ear since you logged on

K 4:29am

I have to think someday we can have many nights like this, but yes i am going to enjoy it tonight, i feel so much better since i logged on and saw a 1 in my inbox

and then saw you were here

D 4:30am
your wit and intelligence will be the most difficult for me (and you are a fucking knockout, language sorry, you are so beautiful)

K 4:30am

you so know the right things to say

D 4:32am
i wish it wasn't so true,

K 4:32am

I'm a little at a loss for words, that is so not usual for me

D 4:33am
which is awesome, if i can stump a future lawyer...who knows

RK 4:34am

you might end up making a pretty decent one yourself

D 4:35am
i'm spinning, a practice together....quick think of the name

K 4:36am

oh yeah, that would go over well, in what divorce law?

K 4:37am

i think our "others" might catch on by then :) god i want you right now

D 4:40am
i think you are smarter than me. i am not an idiot but i can't blame my slow response on poor typing forever, i think we could kill in corporate law but i have penchant for criminal/trial law... i want you too, i do , i do , i do

K 4:24am

i don't know if i'd let you do trial/criminal, to risky, not if we get our chance together, cut short by some fool in a courtroom with vengence on his mind, nope I'll have none of that

D 4:42am
green light...caption bubble...green light caption bubble... does that mean i am making you think?

K 4:43am

lol, caught me

4:43am

D 4:43am
nice to be challenged a little :)

K 4:43am

FUCK, making me think? Since the 22nd!

D 4:44am
i am fucking grinning so much my face is sore

K 4:44am

me too
but we may have to lay off the "F" word, it makes my mind wander

Da4:45am
my uncle said " go into law you will own the world" and then he dies/was killed. i want to see if it is true. and does it matter if i have you or are these competing objectives?
F word!
welcome to my reality,

K 4:48am

you, me, corporate law, adjoining offices with locking doors, I can see it might not get much work done to
tho...dammit

D 4:49am WHAT!!!! :)

K 4:50am

what? :)

D 4:50am sounds like fun i'm in love

K 4:51am

I have not felt what I am feeling in a long long time, and I have not felt so loved in 16+ years

D 4:55am
i have been some pretty shitty, hopeless places, some by my own design, some by circumstance. i have never felt such... what i don't know... but i want to live a thousand years now,....go please i love what you aY
SAY

4:56am

K 4:56am

I am still feeling your body underneath your t shirt, i wish i had went there, but i can still feel you

K 4:57am

i can still hear you, i can even still taste you

D 4:58am
kendra....you make it......i'm so fucked

K 4:59am

what do you mean?

D 4:59am
i want what i cannot have

K 4:59am

someday, i promise

D 5:00am processing :)

D 5:02am
still here.... trying so hard to think of what to say....is nothing ok?

RIck 5:03am

i think so, but i also want to read more

D 5:08am
ready.... your perfect me, your intellect challenges but does not insult, my hands have looked for you for so long, i look into your eyes and i see someone who has known me my whole life. your beauty intimidates me but i will tell you EVERYTHING, you love me, you will build me up not tear me down, you are the person that will know everything about me,

K 5:11am

oh wow tears flowing if in no other way I can have you like this, I will take it gratefully

K 5:12am

i need to see you again :'-)

D 5:12am how?

K 5:12am

i don't know
i don't know
and i don't know if i could let you go this time

D 5:14am
........say something....i'm with you but awkward silence

K 5:15am

I was just rereading what you wrote, I want it etched in my mind to here over and over again

D 5:16am
you are making me sad or something

K 5:17am

no not sad, maybe just a little melancholy but not sad, my tears are not sadness

D 5:18am
i feel it too, long post coming....got a book?

K 5:18am

i have past posts :)

\

D 5:24am
i've got nothing, my whole heart will miss you everyday, this won't be easy, i will take whatever whatever you can give. And i am not sharing type of guy starting to sound stupid,

K 5:24am

never

K 5:26am

there is this great old alan alda movie, i loved it, 2 people find each other while they are both away on business. they both have secure lives elsewhere but they arrange to meet the same weekend ever year.....

the movie follows them every year and the relationship that develops...

D 5:27am
i'm listening and what is the name of the movie :)

R 5:28am

they mean sooo much to each other yet spend so few intimate moments together...it is so beautiful

i can't remember....hang on

D 5:28am few is an f word

K 5:30am

:P

it called same time next year. according to the review i just read there was a lot more to it but that's what i remember and i remember it being a lovely story

(BTW the "face" didn't really capture what I was trying to do) :P'
nope can't get it to work right, sorry

D 5:32am
as i hang on your every word, i missed the face. movies to you is my music

K 5:34am

movies, music, books, theatre, the arts to me are most peoples sports....remember going to the ballet?

D 5:35am
nope, but i remember it was your passion, (someone else? forget it i don’t want to know)

K 5:35am

was it cancelled because of the weather/ My god I can't remember

no, we were going to go to the out door ballet in the park, i think it was cancelled now that i think about it more

D 5:37am
perhaps, but i would have hated it you would have loved it and then i would have loved it. i appreciate passion for anything. i wouldn't make you go to a hockey game :)

K 5:38am

I'd go if it really meant a lot to you
oooh, i just can't stop drifting back to earlier tonight

K 5:40am

when i opened you car door and saw you sitting there i swear my heart stopped for a second in disbelief

D 5:40am
it wouldn't really, i love to play, and have played with guys who have made it, but my passion is playing not watching....stop...can't concentrate :) actually go...stroke my ego...you are waaaayyy ahead of me again :) :) :)

K 5:42am

sorry my mind can often go off in two directions at once

D 5:42am
what couldn't you believe

K 5:44am

that you were there, that i was looking at you, that this was happening, that we were going to drive off somewhere together, that i was feeling everything that i was feeling, that i already knew i would want to ask you to make love to me again {as i had the very first time when we were young ~Kendra}

K 5:45am

that you hadn't changed one bit, that i felt exactly the same way, that it felt like no time had past, that i was no longer angry at you

\

D 5:46am
keep talking...its about time

K 5:47am

that i wished so badly that i was the mother of your children, that i wished so badly we were going home together to hold each other while we slept

that i wished so badly that everything was so different

and i wished so much to have been the one to be there when it all 'clicked' for you

D 5:55am
yeah............ dots are all i have, what can i say "what if" ? again? i am in a a storm of how to survive this and you are too. i wish you were my wife, i wish you were the one that i committed my entire self too. i wish i argued with you for my whole life and made up with you. i wish it was you.
will i see you again?

K 5:56am

i have to try

D 5:57am
i love it and i hate it. i hate the perfect fit i can't have

K 5:58am

we have to have a plan, a goal, a way to get through this together and don't tell me that the only way is to stop, i won't accept that

D 6:02am
!!! umm, i'm in this as deep as you (you noticed right) we know what we have to do. executing will be the challenge. we will do it as long as we both want to

K 6:02am

i lost you once and didn't fight back, i won't make that same mistake again

D 6:04am
you won't fight, wait yes, fight no

K 6:05am

what the hell was wrong with me to just accept you leaving me, i hold as much of the blame

D 6:06am
equal share in youthful ignorance?

K 6:07am

i suppose :)

"as long as we both want to" you won't want to hear this but i don't know if i could survive an email or IM from you saying you don't want to anymore

my heart is wide open and at your mercy now, like it or not

D 6:08am i think i can

K 6:09am

you can?

D 6:10am
i want to think the best and greatest for us ( i think WE deserve it) less than i would accept if it was your will, but i don't think i will be out of your life ever again

K 6:10am

i want that last bit as a promise

D 6:11am
easiest promise ever, stop me if i am stalking :)

K 6:11am

stalk away

D 6:11am creepy and cool!!!

K 6:11am

it's kind of a turn on actually

D 6:12am
yeah... but never...well you are pretty hot tho'

K 6:13am

again, you make me smile

D 6:14am
i think it is time for bed

6:14am

K 6:14am (**********FEELING JEALOUS***********) :(

D 6:15am
i don't want to but ....part of the plan

K 6:15am

i've been fighting sleep for a while now
i understand
i will just delete the image of where you are heading from my mind

D 6:16am
i know you are tired but averaging 4 hours for last 5 days... last post ouch i know...2 way street and will be a challenge

6:17am

K 6:17am

i'm not there tonight, nor could i be

6:18am

D 6:18am
i want you ...............................................................get your stuff done tomorrow, fill up your completed tasks column :)

K 6:19am

i’m reading the first part of that over and over and over

if i figure out a way to see you again is it safe to txt during the day? it may be a last minute thing

D 6:21am
BE VERY OBSCURE. and refer me to facebook. if possible, and please do

K 6:22am

k, i will see what i can manage, i can't leave without seeing you one more time

D 6:23am
good, me either. i must go now. the house is starting to wake. happy new year, i love you, i will check back here tomorrow afternoon

K 6:24

k here goes, i thought i could be not jealous, and for the most part i can handle it, but i know we both got pretty worked up tonight, and even if you have to expend that energy just tell me you are taking care of it alone tonight :)

D 6:26am
and you will do the same? :)

K 6:26am

Absolutely!

This feeling i have is yours and yours along, not for anyone else

6:27am

D

i'm won't stop thinking of you Kendra!!! sorry i forgot for a moment

K 6:28am

i love you, sleep well and happy new year

D 6:29am
thank you, you too. and i love you too, check back later, again no rush. good night (morning)

K 6:29am

i will check back later <3

D 6:30am bye

K 6:30am <3